I have been torn emotionally about my growing child. I have always wanted children, but have not found the right person, the right moment. Now I am pregnant, and I cannot stand the thought of having this man’s baby. If his selfish traits really are genetic, I feel that I have a responsibility to end this life growing inside me. It disgusts me to think of having a baby for this monster. The possibility of giving birth to another person who will go on to abuse humanity, turns my stomach.
And yet this child is mine, and I feel a love I have never felt before. I feel that no matter how bad he is, this child will be part of me. I cannot end my child’s life without ending my own. I would not be able to live with the guilt, if I could.
I am around seven months pregnant now. I cannot terminate the baby and survive. He would certainly kill me if I tried. To stop the birth I have to kill myself. I don’t want to live here anymore. As much as this continues to present itself as the only option, I still don’t know if I can do it.
I try to tell myself that the baby will not be him, it will be me. That it will grow up in their midst and rebel. I know I am trying to delude myself. The child will not know of me. She will know nothing of her true parents. She will grow up in privilege and wealth. She will become one of them. She will be taught that most humans are meant to be slaves. She will not have any sympathy for them, while they are starving to death by the billions. She won’t know that she was the result of a woman’s struggle to survive in a world designed to stifle the power of women.
How many children are born of this struggle? How many children exist because a woman depends on men for her subsistence? Not just here, but around the world. How long has this gone on? How long will we let it continue?
Through his conversations, I have seen clearly that individualism and self interest are core aspects of patriarchal culture. Not just on this island, or in consumer society, but everywhere that patriarchal cultures exist. More than ever, I am convinced that humanity must end patriarchy now, if we are to survive this collapse and heal the earth.