Apparently something in their sterilization process failed. I am pregnant. I am sure this will be the death of me. I have never seen any children on the island, and shudder to think of the conditions they are in if there were. I know I cannot hide it for long.
I have waited a couple weeks to think things over. I have been too scared to write it down. I thought about how I might terminate the pregnancy myself, but we don’t have access to abortive medicines, and I could not think of a way to do it. I don’t have the knowledge, and there is no one I can ask.
It did not take long for the worry to become too much for me to deal with. I walk around in a cloud of worry. I have decided I must tell him, and accept whatever they decide to do to me.
I was not sure how to approach the subject with him. I figured any questions I asked about children and the island would tip him off immediately. So I just told him. The baby is certainly his, and if anyone could help me it would be him.
He was amused more than anything. He did not think it could happen. “We take precautions with the staff, you are all sterilized on the way here. So far we haven’t had any cases of staff becoming pregnant, that I know of.”
He said that there are guidelines for such cases. He was not sure what they were, he would have to check on it. I think he wants to keep the child. He told me not to worry. I think he would tell me not to worry regardless of what will happen to me.
I am emotionally torn. I had always wanted a child someday. I don’t want a child to grow up among these people. I can’t imagine they would let me keep a baby.
The next day, He told me that if he chose to do so, the child would be brought to term. Sometime shortly before the pregnancy becomes apparent, I would have to be kept away from the other slaves for the duration of the pregnancy. I would get regular check ups from a doctor. I would receive anything I need during the pregnancy.
Later I found out that I would be confined to his room. “They don’t want a pregnant woman walking around the grounds.”, he said. “It would disturb the order of things, and the social stability among the staff.”
Afterwards, I thought how, as women, we tend to care more about other women when they are carrying a child, almost as if it was our own. It could create a solidarity among the slaves. I know I would start questioning our position here, if I saw a pregnant slave.
I wish Sindy was here. I need someone to talk to. Maybe I can ask if Molly can visit, for support.